lara hari ini....

bagaimana mungkin saya mencintai tapi tetap merasa sepi....merasa tidak berarti?

lara saya hari ini...tentang ini

tentang kekasih yang marah dan memilih menghukum saya dengan membiarkan saya tak berteman...kesepian.

tentang miris dan nelangsa yang ditorehkan para atasan dan rekan kerja.

tentang air mata yang setengah mati ditahan...sudah besar, sudah tidak pantas berkeluh manja, apalagi sampai berderai air mata.

huff...

too much wedding-ness will kill you...

i haven't slept for weeks...and i don't think that's even normal.
i argued a lot with my boyfriend....i don't think that's healthy.

too much wedding-ness will kill you...i'm telling you

i had this fury in my head..in my heart...to my boyfriend, to my relatives, to my co-workers
that's not nice...that's not wise.
my boyfriend went for business trips 2 weeks in a row this month...when i specifically asked him to clear his schedule a month before our wedding.....see...this head wanted to explode..

but too much wedding-ness will kill you...kill me for sure.

so, i'm gonna stop....stop...just stop

i won't complain...i'm just gonna do this!

this big body has the biggest love for you...

for a friend who loves a man with all strength she could've managed. this is your story, sweetheart

i have been in love before, that's for sure. but what i felt for you beats those i had before. it's like i'm having this fireworks in my tummy just by looking at you.

have i been misunderstood by your gesture...your affection? because i felt it very real..very genuine. so real that it blew me...amused me. I have been in love, of course, but so far, my love to you is the greatest i could carry. Oh i knew, you're not a perfect man...but i have loved you from the very 'least to the most' of you. Have i been fooling myself by thinking that the way you looked at me was somehow called love?

i never thought the answer for those question would be the most hurtful. it wounds me, sucks my happiness and leaves me a hollow.

yes, i've been misunderstood...i've been fooling myself. You did need me around, but you did not see a future. ironically, i have seen u in my future, i can't figure out any other figure for it. this self-esteem i've been building for years upon this big body suddenly fell to the bottom. i hated the mirrors...i hated looking at my reflection.

you said you did not have the guts to be with me... ashamed of what people might think if you ever be the man of a big girl like me. you don't know how much you have turned my world upside down... i guess you won't. a guy like you won't suffered this kind of pain.

but i am willing to wait...i'm willing to run on a treadmill everyday...i'm willing to be on a strict diet.... for you...for your love. and hoping that one day, when you wake up in the morning, you'll love me, this big girl, just the way i am. if only you knew that this big body has the biggest love for you... maybe...just maybe, you'll find a tiny picture of a future with me.

some say i'm a fool....some look at me with pity and sympathy. somehow, i don't really care.... i'm the one who knows the pain of not to be with you and the ecstasy of having you around.

i just wish... one day you'll finally see that this big body has the biggest love for you.