mengukur 'kebahagiaan'

sudah beberapa hari ini saya berkutat dengan pikiran 'bagaimana orang-orang disekitar saya ini mengukur kebahagiaan mereka?'

mau pulang kampung saja, harus cari-cari kesempatan dapat perjalanan dinas...jadi kalau tidak dapat perjalanan dinas harus menunggu honor ini atau honor itu. Intinya untuk sebuah kebutuhan pribadi, masih cari untung saja. Konsep ikhlas mereka bukan lagi soal menerima derita dan beban hidup dengan lapang dada sambil tetap bersyukur pada sang Maha Pemurah..konsep ikhlas itu menerima tidak diberi perjalanan dinas atau honor sambil mengeluh di sana-sini soal atasan yang tidak pengertian dan serakah.

Disini, kebanyakan orang punya kebahagiaan yang terukur. mudah sekali membahagiakan mereka. beri saja tiket gratis plus uang harian ke luar negeri, dijamin mereka akan update status memuji-muji nama Tuhan atau muncul di mesjid lebih sering.

lalu saya mulai menolak banyak kenikmatan yang ditawarkan ditempat ini, hanya supaya saya tidak kehilangan diri. supaya saya masih punya 'kebahagiaan tak terukur' seperti duduk sore bersama suami di depan televisi; merasakan excitement setiap kali menaiki kereta menuju jogja; mengingat setiap jengkal penderitaan masa lalu dan masih merasakan getar hangat setiap mengenang ayah dan ibu yang selama hidupnya mengumpulkan sen demi sen gajinya sebagai pegawai negeri yang jujur sampai bisa mengantar anak-anaknya menjadi sarjana; memeluk erat amplop uang makan dan menabungkan setiap sen nya untuk calon anak-anak saya, seperti yang dilakukan ayah dan ibu saya dulu bahkan meski Tuhan belum memberi rejeki 'tak terukur' itu.

ahhhh...saya hela nafas panjang saja...yang perlu saya lakukan hanya bertahan menjadi diri saya sendiri disini sambil terus mendengungkan suara dalam kepala; suara ayah dan ibu saya.

why would i want to torture myself...

i just deactivated my account on FB...simply because i've had enough with people procrastinate other on facebook; i've had enough with people loathing angers and mostly because i've had enough with myself quoting wise words and still don't affect anyone. i've had enough unsubscribing people i don't like instead of deleting them just because i don't want to be confronted by them.

a friend of mine (who has no FB account) once said 'why would you want to torture yourself befriend with someone you don't like?' and i said 'they invited me and it would be rude not to accept'...and she said, 'and then what? you're gonna hide all posts they made?'; i said 'yes'...and she smiled away.

just now, i feel like she made a good point. the truth is i'm not that well-socialized...i like being in a small-intimate circle of friends. and it kills me having people i don't like commenting my updates, but removing them would be antagonistic. i am that kind of person; the one who hates everyone but never dare to be blunt about it.

so i'm gonna stop pretending...starting with closing the account until i find out whether or not i'm still the same person.

my darling, i hate your job...

how much does your job mean to you, sweetheart?

for me it does not mean that much...because you yelled at me quite often and your need to be tolerated is suddenly uncompromisable.

my darling, i hate your job

that job got me sleeping alone quite often. my darling, your money can't buy happiness...it surely did not buy me one.

oh, i know you meant no harm by taking many jobs. you just wanted to give me the world. my darling, haven't i told you? you are the world...can't be called as one without you in it. i have lived with a little money in my pocket...that taught me not wanting more than what was served on my table. so don't you push yourself too hard...

i love you...

but i don't love that job!

home....

have i felt home?

why do i feel exhausted taking the journeys?

this isn't home...not like this...not this cold?

my husband said he's marrying a 'queen'

and i'm hurt all over again. have you judged my devotion based on my disability to make you breakfast? what about the shirts and trousers you've been wearing everyday...can't you count that? have you judged whether or not i can take care of you and our future children based on my disability to take care of our lawn and home?

my darling, have you chosen the wrong woman?

'swear to God, this won't be your fate'

in my neighborhood, there are several jobs that have been occupied by local people. it's probably some kind of social compensation of buying the land to build real-estate. these people usually work as gardeners, security officers, baby sitter or house-maid. but this has been a reality that disturb me since this chance of gaining a proper income includes the local teenagers.

this girl is one of the baby-sitters that works in my neighborhood. her job is actually simple. all she needs to do is watching the kids; taking them to school; waiting and then taking them back home. there were times, she took the kid to my house and then she can escape awhile using her cell-phone. i ask her once, 'do you go to school?'...she said 'i used to...but not anymore. my mother said school won't do me any good'.

and i remember my father...

i was born poor too...i did not have much during the childhood. there were times when my parents only ate twice a day. and there were even rough times when my sister got sick and my father had to swallow his pride begging people to lend him some money.

and one night, he went to his father graveyard...crying his heart out. he said, 'this might be the fate i'm living through, father. but this won't be my daughters''...'they will go to school...have a better and proper life. swear to God, this won't be their fate'

all i keep thinking was 'why can't her parents have the same thought?'...this chain of poverty needs to be cut, but if parents keep believing that school won't do any good. how would you give a clearer view of future for your children?. why would you want your children to bear the same miserable life you've been living?

that girl and many others are probably going to live like their parents...and that high mountain where they come home to is going to be the only sanctuary of a never-ending misery.

and the old man who cried his heart out has fulfilled his promise.

saya harus jadi direktur...

hahahaa...saya sendiri sebenarnya cukup kaget dengan cita-cita baru ini, karena sebelumnya saya hanya wanita dengan cita-cita seadanya...cukuplah saya senang dalam hidup, itu cita-cita saya. namun perubahan drastis yang menguras emosi di kantor ini sudah membuka ruang ambisi yang sebelumnya tertutup rapat dan tidak pernah saya ingin buka.

saya harus jadi direktur!

bukan karena materi atau kenyamanan yang bisa saya terima, ini karena saya sudah sangat marah melihat pembodohan dan ketidakadilan yang kali ini sudah lewat dari batas toleransi.

untuk itu saya harus jadi direktur!

karena saya bisa membuat perubahan, saya tidak akan menarik siapapun yang tidak akan berguna untuk direktorat saya. saya tidak akan membiarkan wajah-wajah lelah itu pulang dengan rasa kecewa. saya tidak akan peduli apakah mereka anak seorang A atau B, kalau dia tidak bisa berkontribusi, dia tidak layak!

saya harus jadi direktur!

saya selalu merasa ada yang salah dengan sistem institusi ini, dan saya punya keinginan besar bisa menjadi salah seorang agen perubahan. sudah sangat keterlaluan...sudah sangat tidak masuk akal.

balada cucian...

malam ini cucian menatap si empunya...dia bertanya 'hai nyonya, mengapa beberapa kali kutangkap matamu berkaca-kaca?'...yang aku tahu, anda selalu senang bermain air bersamaku...tengah malam pun anda masih rajin mengakrabiku'. nyonya menjawab lirih, 'lupakah kau? saat itu kau masih memanggilku nona...saat itu kau belum sebanyak ini...belum seberat ini'.

'ahh nyonya, ini namanya pengabdian, mengapa kau anggap beban?'
'tahu kah kau...aku bukan sekedar menangisimu...aku, untuk kesekian kali, sendirian. Dulu, ibu bapakku tidak pernah sejalan, tidak pernah tampak bahagia bersama, tapi setiap mereka bersamamu, aku selalu merasa hangat. bapak ibu, yang tak sejalan itu, membagi beban mereka. sejak itu kamu menjadi bagian menyenangkan dari hidupku'
'apa yang terjadi sekarang, nyonya?'
'sekarang, aku merasa rasa hangat itu tidak lagi bersamamu dan aku'

'bukankah tuan telah menyangga sebagian bebanmu? apa yang anda rasa kurang, nyonya?'
'ahh aku hanya berharap dia tak selalu bermuka masam dan berkata ketus tiap dia lelah, aku berharap dia ingat kesendirianku bersamamu didalam kamar dingin itu tiapkali dia merasa aku tak berkontribusi dalam rumah tangga ini'

'bersabarlah, nyonya. anda bukan gadis remaja lagi. sudah sewajarnya anda berbeban berat. apa yang anda lewati tidak akan lebih buruk dari yang sudah dilewati ibu anda'

'ahh ya, aku tak sedang menyesali atau meratap...aku hanya sedang berkeluh kesah dengan sahabat setia. kamu'

here comes the newly-not-so-good wife

so, i finally tied the knot with the man i loved on a very tight traditional wedding. despite the tortures of having to wear a heavy bun on my head and to get suffocated by the cloth around my body, i'm having fun.

the hardest part would be asking my parent's permission. there were scenes flashing through my mind. i remember those days...bitter days...days of uncertainty and misery. and swear to God, i wish i was a better kid back then. so i knelled down...reading words one by one...and i felt my hand trembling..those words faded away...i was crying.

so, when my father hugged me, i whispered 'lia minta ampun ya pak' for i knew that as much as this wedding pleased me, it was his heart i broke the most.

and then, here i am...a no-longer-single woman.

my first day as a wife...well let's just say i did not do it very good. i still woke up at noon; still not cooked; still not served the hubby in a way that most wives did. in short, i am not so good playing this role.

hopefully...finally...the fairy of wives corp. spread it's stardust and turns me into martha stewart...ahahaaaahahhaaaa