for a friend who loves a man with all strength she could've managed. this is your story, sweetheart
i have been in love before, that's for sure. but what i felt for you beats those i had before. it's like i'm having this fireworks in my tummy just by looking at you.
have i been misunderstood by your gesture...your affection? because i felt it very real..very genuine. so real that it blew me...amused me. I have been in love, of course, but so far, my love to you is the greatest i could carry. Oh i knew, you're not a perfect man...but i have loved you from the very 'least to the most' of you. Have i been fooling myself by thinking that the way you looked at me was somehow called love?
i never thought the answer for those question would be the most hurtful. it wounds me, sucks my happiness and leaves me a hollow.
yes, i've been misunderstood...i've been fooling myself. You did need me around, but you did not see a future. ironically, i have seen u in my future, i can't figure out any other figure for it. this self-esteem i've been building for years upon this big body suddenly fell to the bottom. i hated the mirrors...i hated looking at my reflection.
you said you did not have the guts to be with me... ashamed of what people might think if you ever be the man of a big girl like me. you don't know how much you have turned my world upside down... i guess you won't. a guy like you won't suffered this kind of pain.
but i am willing to wait...i'm willing to run on a treadmill everyday...i'm willing to be on a strict diet.... for you...for your love. and hoping that one day, when you wake up in the morning, you'll love me, this big girl, just the way i am. if only you knew that this big body has the biggest love for you... maybe...just maybe, you'll find a tiny picture of a future with me.
some say i'm a fool....some look at me with pity and sympathy. somehow, i don't really care.... i'm the one who knows the pain of not to be with you and the ecstasy of having you around.
i just wish... one day you'll finally see that this big body has the biggest love for you.
Friday, December 10, 2010
Wednesday, October 20, 2010
this woman...
I once knew this woman...
Lived under the same roof with her...everything about her,from her regular life to the darkest secret, I shared the stories.
Then I left her
Because I don't feel like keeping her secrets, watching her twist the truth.
But I loved her, as much as I tried to not to be friendly with her.
How can I forget how kind she's been treating me..I can't.
She took care of me, the only person I could rely on.
Now, she's gone...and I feel like something's missing.
This woman, no matter how twisted her life is, has given me so much to learn. And despite her intolerable behaviours in her past, she's been a sister to me.
She's been a keeper.
This woman...I hope she managed to have good life.
This woman, I hope she finally finds herself a safe home.
This woman, I'd miss her
Lived under the same roof with her...everything about her,from her regular life to the darkest secret, I shared the stories.
Then I left her
Because I don't feel like keeping her secrets, watching her twist the truth.
But I loved her, as much as I tried to not to be friendly with her.
How can I forget how kind she's been treating me..I can't.
She took care of me, the only person I could rely on.
Now, she's gone...and I feel like something's missing.
This woman, no matter how twisted her life is, has given me so much to learn. And despite her intolerable behaviours in her past, she's been a sister to me.
She's been a keeper.
This woman...I hope she managed to have good life.
This woman, I hope she finally finds herself a safe home.
This woman, I'd miss her
Friday, July 23, 2010
picture of her
Sweetheart,why do you had her picture?
I'd rather see porn stars in your cell-phone than seeing her face popping up on the screen
only three kind of women that get me intimidated...first one is your exes...the second is previous flings and obsessions and the last one is the infatuated-to-u ones.
And how am I supposed to react when I see her picture in ur cell? You once very liked her...she, who is once told 2 u is prettier, was still in the picture. I am just a woman...something like this...I can't help it...do I have to survive it? Yes, I do...because I love u. And I'm reaching a point where I think I would tolerate anything you've done. Even if you start calling or texting or chatting to someone else regularly...
U can have her picture...but let me cry for this too...cry over the fact that I still feel the pain when that person said she was prettier..
This is me...loving you...maybe not in a perfect and understanding way...but I'm willing to try. So, u can have her pictures or any other girls...I won't be flipped out.I'd keep it inside...locked out.
I'd rather see porn stars in your cell-phone than seeing her face popping up on the screen
only three kind of women that get me intimidated...first one is your exes...the second is previous flings and obsessions and the last one is the infatuated-to-u ones.
And how am I supposed to react when I see her picture in ur cell? You once very liked her...she, who is once told 2 u is prettier, was still in the picture. I am just a woman...something like this...I can't help it...do I have to survive it? Yes, I do...because I love u. And I'm reaching a point where I think I would tolerate anything you've done. Even if you start calling or texting or chatting to someone else regularly...
U can have her picture...but let me cry for this too...cry over the fact that I still feel the pain when that person said she was prettier..
This is me...loving you...maybe not in a perfect and understanding way...but I'm willing to try. So, u can have her pictures or any other girls...I won't be flipped out.I'd keep it inside...locked out.
Monday, July 19, 2010
losing dinda...
i woke up this morning and felt terribly sad...in few hours i would do one of the hardest things to do in life...letting go.
this woman who was just taking off was and still is one of the best buddies i've ever had. it's always sad to see people you knew for years off. and as much as i am so happy to see her having this enourmous chance to study abroad, i have to survive the loss itself. it's not like i won't see her ever again, it's just that she has become part of my everyday-life since i moved to this city. her absence is an emptiness. you know you can always lean on a boyfriend or parents..but best-buddy is a saviour during the rough path. and during my hard times now and then, they have been chips in the puzzle...without one of them, the picture...ummm..i can't even call it a picture.
dinda is one the chips...
i argued all the time with people..even my boyfriend. dinda, somehow, was one of the people i scarcely argued with. dinda is the keeper...a listener, a counselor. a friend like that....you don't see quite often. when people expect me to call first, to ask them out first....dinda didn't mind to be the one to reach out for me. and sometimes, she gave me the chance to be a keeper...a listener...a counselor. for that, i will mourn the absence of a best-buddy like you.
she knew exactly how much pain i've gone through...as much as i knew hers...and that kind of connection is by far the strongest one....when you share pain with other people, you won't forget the feeling of being not-lonely.
'i hope you well...and whereever it is this road leads you too...i hope it's somewhere beautiful with lots of certainty and happiness. until we meet again....'
b.e.s.t.f.r.i.e.n.d t.i.l.l t.h.e e.n.d
this woman who was just taking off was and still is one of the best buddies i've ever had. it's always sad to see people you knew for years off. and as much as i am so happy to see her having this enourmous chance to study abroad, i have to survive the loss itself. it's not like i won't see her ever again, it's just that she has become part of my everyday-life since i moved to this city. her absence is an emptiness. you know you can always lean on a boyfriend or parents..but best-buddy is a saviour during the rough path. and during my hard times now and then, they have been chips in the puzzle...without one of them, the picture...ummm..i can't even call it a picture.
dinda is one the chips...
i argued all the time with people..even my boyfriend. dinda, somehow, was one of the people i scarcely argued with. dinda is the keeper...a listener, a counselor. a friend like that....you don't see quite often. when people expect me to call first, to ask them out first....dinda didn't mind to be the one to reach out for me. and sometimes, she gave me the chance to be a keeper...a listener...a counselor. for that, i will mourn the absence of a best-buddy like you.
she knew exactly how much pain i've gone through...as much as i knew hers...and that kind of connection is by far the strongest one....when you share pain with other people, you won't forget the feeling of being not-lonely.
'i hope you well...and whereever it is this road leads you too...i hope it's somewhere beautiful with lots of certainty and happiness. until we meet again....'
b.e.s.t.f.r.i.e.n.d t.i.l.l t.h.e e.n.d
Saturday, June 26, 2010
ibu...
Jika ada perempuan yang membuat saya bisa menangis keras,itu mungkin adalah ibu saya.malam ini pun saya sedang menangisi hidupnya yang kian sepi.
Ibu saya ini sudah piatu sejak kecil,tinggal jAuh dari ayahnya yang sudah beristri baru.menumpang tinggal di tempat bibinya,bersekolah sampai sd lalu bekerja.ia mulai dari bawah sekali.lalu ia mengenal lelaki,dan seperti kebanyakan wanita yang merasa lelah hidup sendiri,ia menikah. Pun ternyata hidupnya tidak lebih bahagia,si suami mengkhianatinya.dia meminta cerai.
Tidak lama setelah itu,dia mengenal bapak.bertemu dan bercinta meski sang ibu terang2 melarang. 'Wong ndeso' itu sebutan eyang untuk ibu waktu itu. Tapi mereka tetap memaksa menikah.lalu saya lahir. Setelah hampir gugur karna ibu jatuh dari bus kota.pernah juga diserempet bus waktu hamil saya. Benar-benar ingin hidup mungkin saya waktu itu.
Seingat saya,ibu saya sering menangis setiap saya sakit. Lalu pasti saya bisa lihat tubuhnya ada memar bekas pukulan atau luka sundutan rokok. Saya cukup mengerti siapa yang sudah melukai ibu saya. Celakanya,saya selalu sakit.jadi ibu saya selalu harus disakiti.tapi ibu saya toh tetap bertahan. Demi saya,itu yang selalu dia bilang.
Ketika bapak selalu menuntut saya untuk punya nilai bagus,ibu adalah satu-satunya orang yang tidak keberatan jika saya hanya jadi anak biasa-biasa saja.bagi dia, yang penting saya bahagia. Sama seperti kenapa dia merestui pilihan saya sekarang. Supaya saya bahagia.
Kenapa saya selalu menangis setiap saya rindu ibu? Itu karna saya tahu,setelah saya pergi ibu tidak punya tempat lagi untuk berkeluh kesah.dia tidak bisa lagi datang ke kamar saya setiap bapak marah,memeluk saya sambil menangis bersama-sama lalu tidur karna saking lelahnya bercerita.
Malam ini saya rindu ibu. Wanita malang itu sedang apa? Bahagiakah dia?
Ibu saya ini sudah piatu sejak kecil,tinggal jAuh dari ayahnya yang sudah beristri baru.menumpang tinggal di tempat bibinya,bersekolah sampai sd lalu bekerja.ia mulai dari bawah sekali.lalu ia mengenal lelaki,dan seperti kebanyakan wanita yang merasa lelah hidup sendiri,ia menikah. Pun ternyata hidupnya tidak lebih bahagia,si suami mengkhianatinya.dia meminta cerai.
Tidak lama setelah itu,dia mengenal bapak.bertemu dan bercinta meski sang ibu terang2 melarang. 'Wong ndeso' itu sebutan eyang untuk ibu waktu itu. Tapi mereka tetap memaksa menikah.lalu saya lahir. Setelah hampir gugur karna ibu jatuh dari bus kota.pernah juga diserempet bus waktu hamil saya. Benar-benar ingin hidup mungkin saya waktu itu.
Seingat saya,ibu saya sering menangis setiap saya sakit. Lalu pasti saya bisa lihat tubuhnya ada memar bekas pukulan atau luka sundutan rokok. Saya cukup mengerti siapa yang sudah melukai ibu saya. Celakanya,saya selalu sakit.jadi ibu saya selalu harus disakiti.tapi ibu saya toh tetap bertahan. Demi saya,itu yang selalu dia bilang.
Ketika bapak selalu menuntut saya untuk punya nilai bagus,ibu adalah satu-satunya orang yang tidak keberatan jika saya hanya jadi anak biasa-biasa saja.bagi dia, yang penting saya bahagia. Sama seperti kenapa dia merestui pilihan saya sekarang. Supaya saya bahagia.
Kenapa saya selalu menangis setiap saya rindu ibu? Itu karna saya tahu,setelah saya pergi ibu tidak punya tempat lagi untuk berkeluh kesah.dia tidak bisa lagi datang ke kamar saya setiap bapak marah,memeluk saya sambil menangis bersama-sama lalu tidur karna saking lelahnya bercerita.
Malam ini saya rindu ibu. Wanita malang itu sedang apa? Bahagiakah dia?
Friday, June 25, 2010
tadi malam...saya tidak mampu menutup mata. sakit dada saya menahan batuk...tapi toh akhirnya selama lebih dari 4 jam saya tidak berhenti terbatuk-batuk sampai menangis nangis. setengah dari airmata saya karna batuk ini, setengahnya karna mengingat rumah. seumur hidup saya, tidak pernah merasa semerana dan sekesepian ini.
saya ini terbiasa sendiri, terbiasa tidak merepotkan orang saat sakit. tapi saya selalu rindu tangan-tangan yang terjulur tanpa diminta. tangan ibu.
dan sampai hari ini, saya selalu sedih tiap sakit. siapa lagi yang akan sepenuh hati merawat saya?
saya ini terbiasa sendiri, terbiasa tidak merepotkan orang saat sakit. tapi saya selalu rindu tangan-tangan yang terjulur tanpa diminta. tangan ibu.
dan sampai hari ini, saya selalu sedih tiap sakit. siapa lagi yang akan sepenuh hati merawat saya?
Monday, June 14, 2010
that's why i love you...
saya harus menuliskan ini....
karena saya benar-benar bahagia ketika kamu mengatakannya kepada saya:
'setelah kamu pergi td..saya bilang ke teman2 saya. 'that's my lovely girl, which have brought me some food...which i want to marry with. and i really loved her because of her kindness to me''
saking bahagianya saya sampai mengesampingkan grammatical errors yang kamu buat heheee....that's why i love you, sweetheart..you're a man of few words..but they were usually the right ones.
karena saya benar-benar bahagia ketika kamu mengatakannya kepada saya:
'setelah kamu pergi td..saya bilang ke teman2 saya. 'that's my lovely girl, which have brought me some food...which i want to marry with. and i really loved her because of her kindness to me''
saking bahagianya saya sampai mengesampingkan grammatical errors yang kamu buat heheee....that's why i love you, sweetheart..you're a man of few words..but they were usually the right ones.
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