balada cucian...

malam ini cucian menatap si empunya...dia bertanya 'hai nyonya, mengapa beberapa kali kutangkap matamu berkaca-kaca?'...yang aku tahu, anda selalu senang bermain air bersamaku...tengah malam pun anda masih rajin mengakrabiku'. nyonya menjawab lirih, 'lupakah kau? saat itu kau masih memanggilku nona...saat itu kau belum sebanyak ini...belum seberat ini'.

'ahh nyonya, ini namanya pengabdian, mengapa kau anggap beban?'
'tahu kah kau...aku bukan sekedar menangisimu...aku, untuk kesekian kali, sendirian. Dulu, ibu bapakku tidak pernah sejalan, tidak pernah tampak bahagia bersama, tapi setiap mereka bersamamu, aku selalu merasa hangat. bapak ibu, yang tak sejalan itu, membagi beban mereka. sejak itu kamu menjadi bagian menyenangkan dari hidupku'
'apa yang terjadi sekarang, nyonya?'
'sekarang, aku merasa rasa hangat itu tidak lagi bersamamu dan aku'

'bukankah tuan telah menyangga sebagian bebanmu? apa yang anda rasa kurang, nyonya?'
'ahh aku hanya berharap dia tak selalu bermuka masam dan berkata ketus tiap dia lelah, aku berharap dia ingat kesendirianku bersamamu didalam kamar dingin itu tiapkali dia merasa aku tak berkontribusi dalam rumah tangga ini'

'bersabarlah, nyonya. anda bukan gadis remaja lagi. sudah sewajarnya anda berbeban berat. apa yang anda lewati tidak akan lebih buruk dari yang sudah dilewati ibu anda'

'ahh ya, aku tak sedang menyesali atau meratap...aku hanya sedang berkeluh kesah dengan sahabat setia. kamu'

here comes the newly-not-so-good wife

so, i finally tied the knot with the man i loved on a very tight traditional wedding. despite the tortures of having to wear a heavy bun on my head and to get suffocated by the cloth around my body, i'm having fun.

the hardest part would be asking my parent's permission. there were scenes flashing through my mind. i remember those days...bitter days...days of uncertainty and misery. and swear to God, i wish i was a better kid back then. so i knelled down...reading words one by one...and i felt my hand trembling..those words faded away...i was crying.

so, when my father hugged me, i whispered 'lia minta ampun ya pak' for i knew that as much as this wedding pleased me, it was his heart i broke the most.

and then, here i am...a no-longer-single woman.

my first day as a wife...well let's just say i did not do it very good. i still woke up at noon; still not cooked; still not served the hubby in a way that most wives did. in short, i am not so good playing this role.

hopefully...finally...the fairy of wives corp. spread it's stardust and turns me into martha stewart...ahahaaaahahhaaaa

lara hari ini....

bagaimana mungkin saya mencintai tapi tetap merasa sepi....merasa tidak berarti?

lara saya hari ini...tentang ini

tentang kekasih yang marah dan memilih menghukum saya dengan membiarkan saya tak berteman...kesepian.

tentang miris dan nelangsa yang ditorehkan para atasan dan rekan kerja.

tentang air mata yang setengah mati ditahan...sudah besar, sudah tidak pantas berkeluh manja, apalagi sampai berderai air mata.

huff...

too much wedding-ness will kill you...

i haven't slept for weeks...and i don't think that's even normal.
i argued a lot with my boyfriend....i don't think that's healthy.

too much wedding-ness will kill you...i'm telling you

i had this fury in my head..in my heart...to my boyfriend, to my relatives, to my co-workers
that's not nice...that's not wise.
my boyfriend went for business trips 2 weeks in a row this month...when i specifically asked him to clear his schedule a month before our wedding.....see...this head wanted to explode..

but too much wedding-ness will kill you...kill me for sure.

so, i'm gonna stop....stop...just stop

i won't complain...i'm just gonna do this!

this big body has the biggest love for you...

for a friend who loves a man with all strength she could've managed. this is your story, sweetheart

i have been in love before, that's for sure. but what i felt for you beats those i had before. it's like i'm having this fireworks in my tummy just by looking at you.

have i been misunderstood by your gesture...your affection? because i felt it very real..very genuine. so real that it blew me...amused me. I have been in love, of course, but so far, my love to you is the greatest i could carry. Oh i knew, you're not a perfect man...but i have loved you from the very 'least to the most' of you. Have i been fooling myself by thinking that the way you looked at me was somehow called love?

i never thought the answer for those question would be the most hurtful. it wounds me, sucks my happiness and leaves me a hollow.

yes, i've been misunderstood...i've been fooling myself. You did need me around, but you did not see a future. ironically, i have seen u in my future, i can't figure out any other figure for it. this self-esteem i've been building for years upon this big body suddenly fell to the bottom. i hated the mirrors...i hated looking at my reflection.

you said you did not have the guts to be with me... ashamed of what people might think if you ever be the man of a big girl like me. you don't know how much you have turned my world upside down... i guess you won't. a guy like you won't suffered this kind of pain.

but i am willing to wait...i'm willing to run on a treadmill everyday...i'm willing to be on a strict diet.... for you...for your love. and hoping that one day, when you wake up in the morning, you'll love me, this big girl, just the way i am. if only you knew that this big body has the biggest love for you... maybe...just maybe, you'll find a tiny picture of a future with me.

some say i'm a fool....some look at me with pity and sympathy. somehow, i don't really care.... i'm the one who knows the pain of not to be with you and the ecstasy of having you around.

i just wish... one day you'll finally see that this big body has the biggest love for you.

this woman...

I once knew this woman...
Lived under the same roof with her...everything about her,from her regular life to the darkest secret, I shared the stories.

Then I left her
Because I don't feel like keeping her secrets, watching her twist the truth.
But I loved her, as much as I tried to not to be friendly with her.
How can I forget how kind she's been treating me..I can't.
She took care of me, the only person I could rely on.

Now, she's gone...and I feel like something's missing.
This woman, no matter how twisted her life is, has given me so much to learn. And despite her intolerable behaviours in her past, she's been a sister to me.
She's been a keeper.

This woman...I hope she managed to have good life.
This woman, I hope she finally finds herself a safe home.

This woman, I'd miss her

picture of her

Sweetheart,why do you had her picture?
I'd rather see porn stars in your cell-phone than seeing her face popping up on the screen

only three kind of women that get me intimidated...first one is your exes...the second is previous flings and obsessions and the last one is the infatuated-to-u ones.
And how am I supposed to react when I see her picture in ur cell? You once very liked her...she, who is once told 2 u is prettier, was still in the picture. I am just a woman...something like this...I can't help it...do I have to survive it? Yes, I do...because I love u. And I'm reaching a point where I think I would tolerate anything you've done. Even if you start calling or texting or chatting to someone else regularly...
U can have her picture...but let me cry for this too...cry over the fact that I still feel the pain when that person said she was prettier..

This is me...loving you...maybe not in a perfect and understanding way...but I'm willing to try. So, u can have her pictures or any other girls...I won't be flipped out.I'd keep it inside...locked out.