'swear to God, this won't be your fate'

in my neighborhood, there are several jobs that have been occupied by local people. it's probably some kind of social compensation of buying the land to build real-estate. these people usually work as gardeners, security officers, baby sitter or house-maid. but this has been a reality that disturb me since this chance of gaining a proper income includes the local teenagers.

this girl is one of the baby-sitters that works in my neighborhood. her job is actually simple. all she needs to do is watching the kids; taking them to school; waiting and then taking them back home. there were times, she took the kid to my house and then she can escape awhile using her cell-phone. i ask her once, 'do you go to school?'...she said 'i used to...but not anymore. my mother said school won't do me any good'.

and i remember my father...

i was born poor too...i did not have much during the childhood. there were times when my parents only ate twice a day. and there were even rough times when my sister got sick and my father had to swallow his pride begging people to lend him some money.

and one night, he went to his father graveyard...crying his heart out. he said, 'this might be the fate i'm living through, father. but this won't be my daughters''...'they will go to school...have a better and proper life. swear to God, this won't be their fate'

all i keep thinking was 'why can't her parents have the same thought?'...this chain of poverty needs to be cut, but if parents keep believing that school won't do any good. how would you give a clearer view of future for your children?. why would you want your children to bear the same miserable life you've been living?

that girl and many others are probably going to live like their parents...and that high mountain where they come home to is going to be the only sanctuary of a never-ending misery.

and the old man who cried his heart out has fulfilled his promise.

saya harus jadi direktur...

hahahaa...saya sendiri sebenarnya cukup kaget dengan cita-cita baru ini, karena sebelumnya saya hanya wanita dengan cita-cita seadanya...cukuplah saya senang dalam hidup, itu cita-cita saya. namun perubahan drastis yang menguras emosi di kantor ini sudah membuka ruang ambisi yang sebelumnya tertutup rapat dan tidak pernah saya ingin buka.

saya harus jadi direktur!

bukan karena materi atau kenyamanan yang bisa saya terima, ini karena saya sudah sangat marah melihat pembodohan dan ketidakadilan yang kali ini sudah lewat dari batas toleransi.

untuk itu saya harus jadi direktur!

karena saya bisa membuat perubahan, saya tidak akan menarik siapapun yang tidak akan berguna untuk direktorat saya. saya tidak akan membiarkan wajah-wajah lelah itu pulang dengan rasa kecewa. saya tidak akan peduli apakah mereka anak seorang A atau B, kalau dia tidak bisa berkontribusi, dia tidak layak!

saya harus jadi direktur!

saya selalu merasa ada yang salah dengan sistem institusi ini, dan saya punya keinginan besar bisa menjadi salah seorang agen perubahan. sudah sangat keterlaluan...sudah sangat tidak masuk akal.

balada cucian...

malam ini cucian menatap si empunya...dia bertanya 'hai nyonya, mengapa beberapa kali kutangkap matamu berkaca-kaca?'...yang aku tahu, anda selalu senang bermain air bersamaku...tengah malam pun anda masih rajin mengakrabiku'. nyonya menjawab lirih, 'lupakah kau? saat itu kau masih memanggilku nona...saat itu kau belum sebanyak ini...belum seberat ini'.

'ahh nyonya, ini namanya pengabdian, mengapa kau anggap beban?'
'tahu kah kau...aku bukan sekedar menangisimu...aku, untuk kesekian kali, sendirian. Dulu, ibu bapakku tidak pernah sejalan, tidak pernah tampak bahagia bersama, tapi setiap mereka bersamamu, aku selalu merasa hangat. bapak ibu, yang tak sejalan itu, membagi beban mereka. sejak itu kamu menjadi bagian menyenangkan dari hidupku'
'apa yang terjadi sekarang, nyonya?'
'sekarang, aku merasa rasa hangat itu tidak lagi bersamamu dan aku'

'bukankah tuan telah menyangga sebagian bebanmu? apa yang anda rasa kurang, nyonya?'
'ahh aku hanya berharap dia tak selalu bermuka masam dan berkata ketus tiap dia lelah, aku berharap dia ingat kesendirianku bersamamu didalam kamar dingin itu tiapkali dia merasa aku tak berkontribusi dalam rumah tangga ini'

'bersabarlah, nyonya. anda bukan gadis remaja lagi. sudah sewajarnya anda berbeban berat. apa yang anda lewati tidak akan lebih buruk dari yang sudah dilewati ibu anda'

'ahh ya, aku tak sedang menyesali atau meratap...aku hanya sedang berkeluh kesah dengan sahabat setia. kamu'

here comes the newly-not-so-good wife

so, i finally tied the knot with the man i loved on a very tight traditional wedding. despite the tortures of having to wear a heavy bun on my head and to get suffocated by the cloth around my body, i'm having fun.

the hardest part would be asking my parent's permission. there were scenes flashing through my mind. i remember those days...bitter days...days of uncertainty and misery. and swear to God, i wish i was a better kid back then. so i knelled down...reading words one by one...and i felt my hand trembling..those words faded away...i was crying.

so, when my father hugged me, i whispered 'lia minta ampun ya pak' for i knew that as much as this wedding pleased me, it was his heart i broke the most.

and then, here i am...a no-longer-single woman.

my first day as a wife...well let's just say i did not do it very good. i still woke up at noon; still not cooked; still not served the hubby in a way that most wives did. in short, i am not so good playing this role.

hopefully...finally...the fairy of wives corp. spread it's stardust and turns me into martha stewart...ahahaaaahahhaaaa

lara hari ini....

bagaimana mungkin saya mencintai tapi tetap merasa sepi....merasa tidak berarti?

lara saya hari ini...tentang ini

tentang kekasih yang marah dan memilih menghukum saya dengan membiarkan saya tak berteman...kesepian.

tentang miris dan nelangsa yang ditorehkan para atasan dan rekan kerja.

tentang air mata yang setengah mati ditahan...sudah besar, sudah tidak pantas berkeluh manja, apalagi sampai berderai air mata.

huff...

too much wedding-ness will kill you...

i haven't slept for weeks...and i don't think that's even normal.
i argued a lot with my boyfriend....i don't think that's healthy.

too much wedding-ness will kill you...i'm telling you

i had this fury in my head..in my heart...to my boyfriend, to my relatives, to my co-workers
that's not nice...that's not wise.
my boyfriend went for business trips 2 weeks in a row this month...when i specifically asked him to clear his schedule a month before our wedding.....see...this head wanted to explode..

but too much wedding-ness will kill you...kill me for sure.

so, i'm gonna stop....stop...just stop

i won't complain...i'm just gonna do this!

this big body has the biggest love for you...

for a friend who loves a man with all strength she could've managed. this is your story, sweetheart

i have been in love before, that's for sure. but what i felt for you beats those i had before. it's like i'm having this fireworks in my tummy just by looking at you.

have i been misunderstood by your gesture...your affection? because i felt it very real..very genuine. so real that it blew me...amused me. I have been in love, of course, but so far, my love to you is the greatest i could carry. Oh i knew, you're not a perfect man...but i have loved you from the very 'least to the most' of you. Have i been fooling myself by thinking that the way you looked at me was somehow called love?

i never thought the answer for those question would be the most hurtful. it wounds me, sucks my happiness and leaves me a hollow.

yes, i've been misunderstood...i've been fooling myself. You did need me around, but you did not see a future. ironically, i have seen u in my future, i can't figure out any other figure for it. this self-esteem i've been building for years upon this big body suddenly fell to the bottom. i hated the mirrors...i hated looking at my reflection.

you said you did not have the guts to be with me... ashamed of what people might think if you ever be the man of a big girl like me. you don't know how much you have turned my world upside down... i guess you won't. a guy like you won't suffered this kind of pain.

but i am willing to wait...i'm willing to run on a treadmill everyday...i'm willing to be on a strict diet.... for you...for your love. and hoping that one day, when you wake up in the morning, you'll love me, this big girl, just the way i am. if only you knew that this big body has the biggest love for you... maybe...just maybe, you'll find a tiny picture of a future with me.

some say i'm a fool....some look at me with pity and sympathy. somehow, i don't really care.... i'm the one who knows the pain of not to be with you and the ecstasy of having you around.

i just wish... one day you'll finally see that this big body has the biggest love for you.