hanya tentang rasa syukur....

suatu hari saya mampir ke sebuah warung di pinggir jalan. tidak jauh sebenernya dari tempat saya tinggal, tapi entah..tak pernah terpikir untuk makan disitu. singkat kata, mulailah saya memesan nasi goreng kambing (i will so regret it in my old days ahead). sambil menunggu pesanan, saya mencuri dengar pembicaraan orang-orang disekitar saya. ada pasangan yang sedang pusing karena si induk semang akan menaikkan uang kontrakan mereka mulai bulan depan. mas-mas yang tampak heboh sekali berbicara dengan seseorang dari telpon genggamnya, 'tenang saja bu! harga bisa di nego...ahhh itu lokasi strategis lho bu..kapan lagi!!' (hmm...makelar tanah, pikir saya sambil tertawa sendiri). lalu saya berpaling ke seorang ibu disebelah saya persis...sedang berbincang seru rupanya beliau ini dengan si empunya warung. 'pak, sekarang jadinya tinggal dimana?' tanya sang ibu. 'masih ditanah bekas kebakaran itu lah bu, mo pindah kemana lagi..masih nyicil beli triplek sama kayu ini sayahh..jadi sementara pake tenda' (hah kebakaran kok seringnya sama seperti satpol pp merazia psk di kampung saya sih..pikirku). si ibu mengangguk-angguk...'kok cepet udah dagang lagi pak. kan baru dua hari kemaren kejadiannya'. si bapak terdiam lalu berujar, 'Gusti itu maha adil bu...warung ini mata pencaharian saya...sumber hidup keluarga saya..tapi dari semua yang terambil dari kebakaran itu, Ia menyisakan warung ini...komplit bu...ga ada yang terbakar, ya saya anggep Gusti mau saya terus maju. mo makan apa klo terus-terusan nangisin musibah'...saya termangu...ya benar sekali pikir saya, klo mau mencari alasan untuk selalu merasa tidak beruntung bisa seumur hidup mungkin. tapi rasa syukur untuk hal-hal kecil seperti ini yang memberi hidup sebuah makna. 'mbak, nasi goreng kambing?'...ahh ya saya makan dulu..tak dapat berhidup tanpa makan.

this is your job..your responsibility...

i've been working here for two years...yet not much is changing. some people are working really hard here...some just occasionally work...even few are literally just there.

me...i get the chance to taste each once in a while. but i dare to say that i earned my income fair and square...never asked that weren't served on my table.

but if others say people like me...civil servants in general..are just lazy, money-oriented and useless...i am the one who will stand against them because i've been raised well by hard-working civil servants...honest ones who devoted their times to serve this country with people who sometimes don't even try to appreciate it. but i won't deny the fact that some of us deserve to be put in the box of that unpleasant stigma. and honestly, i've been really sick of them quite sometimes.

there were times i'd like to yell at them, 'hey sir...you too ma'am...before you judged me....before you criticized the way i worked my ass around here, take a look at yourself! have you done your job accordingly...before you lectured me of how to be on time, take a look at the machine in front of you..it was your name under mine...and in case you haven't noticed, the machine said you were late.

but you see..lately i've been thinking...why should i go with that drama. all i have to do is waking up early in the morning..take the first bus and voila! i don't have to deal with that wishy washy talk. yes, i should do that...i should do my job....my responsibility.

learn from bette midler

it's the heart afraid of breaking
that never learns to dance

it's the dream afraid of waking
that never takes the chance

it is the one who won't be taken
who cannot seem to give

and the soul afraid of dying
that never learns to live

Semper Fidelis

lately, people have been really annoying by questioning me whether or not i'd tie the knot this year. it's not because i don't want them to know...it's because i don't really know how to put my ignorance in words.

see people, i really don't have any idea! if you could tell me what my father would say when my boyfriend propose me then i'd give you, guys the answer right away...because i've been really scared myself these past few weeks. i'm afraid daddy won't let me...i'm afraid this just won't come true. i'm holding on nothing right now...even the love i have for him cannot assure me that this would lead us to a happy ending. those two men i love the most in this world...how can i hurt each one of them? how can i win them both? all i have right now is faith...

can't you see people, while you ask that question, i've been preparing myself for the worst end. if at the end of the day, my father asked me not to win my boyfriend over him, in the name of love i'd stop...i'd stop...and though i'm not sure how i'd live my days without him...i gotta choose.

still, if all end well..if finally daddy lets me go...i'd find myself very sorry. deep down i know, this is not how he wanted me to be. i know he wants to walk me down the aisle...but he just can't. and how do you think i feel?

oh people, before you asked that question, i have built faith piece by piece..i have walked the step even if i haven't seen the whole staircase.

the paradox of love...

i once read a quote from the late Mother Theresa, 'I have found the paradox, that if you love until it hurts, there can be no more hurt, only more love'. my mind, then, flew back to the day where some people said that i was deeply in love with my boyfriend. it was like i had a punch in the face. why is it so shameful that someone loves her boyfriend so much? mostly, people suggested to give only half of your heart to them. believe it or not, it really made me rethink of the way i loved him. but then when i read that line i realize something...i shouldn't be ashamed. it's a gift. i haven't been in love before and yet i had a chance to experience a deep and passionate love to someone...a love that burns...and for the first time of my life, i was brave enough to dream.

so what if he leaves me...so what if he betrays me...if it eventually hurts me..if loving someone that deep finally drags me to the bottom, at least i know i have not wasted this chance. and then i remembered my very good friend who quite recently experienced lost. and yet she still feels the fire within her heart everytime she thinks about that man. who can blame her...who would say it's just not right? i would stand next to her if someone happens to say that to her. don't worry sis...keep loving someone that deep until finally you no longer feel the pain of losing him because i believe it's not a waste at all even if he does not belong to you. you just prove that 'love doesn't have to be together' exists...that what you have to that man is an ultimate one. be proud that you have loved someone that genuine. be proud that you made yourself a true lover.

and i will always love you, sweetheart...with all my heart.

my dear friend, i don't like your boyfriend...

last night when i was ready off to bed, i checked my cell-phone...see if anyone was still awake...and i saw you publishing new entry on your contact. you put your picture and your boyfriend on it. all of a sudden, i was so pissed that i wanted to text you and say 'what the heck are you thingking?'. oh my dear friend, of course i love you...of course i care whether or not you're happy. that's why i keep distance...that's why i let you go..because you love the person i hate so much and for that i have mourned my lost.

my dear friend, i am not a forgive-and-forget person...i remember. you were there..you saw how i defended myself in front of your boyfriend. you knew i was not responsible for it, but you let him accuse me...point at me. and then you said he was sorry, but never once he apologized. how do you think i'd feel? did you know i cried after that? did you know why? i cried because i learnt that day that i meant that much to you. afterall, he was your lover and apparently i couldn't compete with that. and i am not asking you to. only then, i knew i lost you.

oh dear...all i want is you to be happy...but if happy means you have to be with someone who has done shady things to me, maybe i'll step aside...i'll watch you from here...

i guess this is goodbye...

he loves you...he loves you not...

lately...i've been wondering. how do we measure the love people give to us?. is it by their gesture...their attention...their passion...their words...or what? because i have found in my recently-ended relationship that love can simply fade away..just like that...like you have never been there before...and you have never been loved before.
but it's like you have lost a toe...it's gone but the feeling that it's still there remain stronger...painfully stronger. and i questioned it every night...how much he loved me...why it seemed so easy for him to give up on me over a nasty word. isn't love supposed to be forgiving...isn't love supposed to let go...isn't love supposed to be too precious just to be thrown away?but the fact that it's gone; the fact that it's ended only made me feel like i have made a bad investment. i have learnt to love...i have learnt to surrender, but i lost even more. i was crash and burn!
and i cried for the first time of my life for a man. i cried for all the things he gave and took from me. i have no regret...whatsoever, because as how painful as it feels, i was once very happy. but you see...i stumbled many times in my life, i got up afterall. i still suffer the heartbreak, but i don't feel like crying anymore. just wondered..'he loves me...he loves me not..'